Entry 12- becoming the Dad

Jules and I '07. ( You happy now Tom? ) A beautiful day in Manhattan.

How does one become the Dad? I suppose there are a lot of ways, observing your own father, or a neighborhood role model, or television, or reading books. The first step I believe is acknowledging you don't have a clue. There is a lot of "winging it" at first. The second step, at least for me, was the desire to be really good at it. When I say really good I don't mean having people praise you. The only people who have a clue what type of Dad you are is your wife and kids. They vote with their behavior. If the kids are happy and well adjusted you must be doing something right. The third step, again in my case, was to be always human to my kids. I want them to know me as the fallible, interested, and devoted father. I've never been hesitant to admit my mistakes or ask for forgiveness. I think it would be a real trial to be raised by a Saint. I am not much like my own Dad. He grew up in the Depression Era. He had, at least when I was a kid, a volcanic temper. He'd simmer over something we'd do and then EXPLODE. This would often be punctuated by a quick zutz, cuff to the back of your head. Your Uncle Wayne, as the oldest son, absorbed a disproportionate number of zutzes. Since I was the "miracle child" (see previous entry) I was generally just yelled at by Dad. I learned that hitting kids just makes them secretive, resentful, and eventually prone to violence of their own. I am proud that you kids grew up without violence or ridicule. Last weekend you all, including your Mom, described me as overprotective. Do you ever wonder why I am so concerned about your welfare? In my life kids I have seen and experienced some awful things. I have known life to be unpredictable, unfair, and casually violent. When I worked on the ambulance I once held a 15 yr old girl as her life bubbled bloodily away on her lips. She was running across RT. 128 after a fight with her mother and was struck by a car. I rocked her like a baby, unable to stop the bleeding, till she died in my arms. I've stared into the eyes of convicted murderers and child molesters while assessing them for services. I've wrestled with incredibly violent psychotic patients who wanted to hurt or kill me. I've also worked with children, women, and men who were the victims of stupid, senseless, casual violence. If I warn you its based on the knowledge that a fine life can be destroyed in a heartbeat. Oh don't expect me to ever change. If I can keep you just a bit safer I can live with being "overprotective". So if you don't want your picture on the Jumbotron screen, or Campus Security knocking on your door, or any number of other "overreactions", call home on time, stay out of sketchy neighborhoods, avoid drunks, and know you are just a phone call away from two people who are devoted to you. On a much more positive note becoming a Dad has a lot to do with your kids. You have told me in many ways when I am getting it right or wrong. I have observed your laughter and smiles as guides for becoming. The best sound in the world is the laughter of your kids. Being a Dad has brought me indescribable joy. Zach, Jem, and Julia I am proud to be your "Fatha". Jon and EJ, you may not be technically my kids but I feel about you both as if you are ours. Love you all, Dad

'

'