Entry 16-Fighting for joy

I actually thought entry 15 was the conclusion of my blog. I guess I am surprised I have more to say to you. When Wayne and I last visited my Dad I asked him if he had anything else to say to me because we both knew I'd never see him alive again. Now my Dad was on lots of meds. so he was quite mellow. He said, "No, we have said it all." Kids my Dad's generation of fathers tended to be emotionally reserved so I was not surprised. Please never think we have said it all. The best gift I can give you is to hear you, really hear you. I regret that I didn't go back into my Dad's room and just talk to him. True voices resonate in our minds and hearts. I knew my Dad loved me but did he respect me, unanswered questions like that can haunt you. I can make it clear to the five of you, Jon and EJ I include you with a happy heart, I love, respect, and delight in the lives you are making. I want my voice to always be there to encourage you in times of sadness and reverberate in celebration of your joys. I pray you remember my smile, my awful jokes, my deep abiding love of your mother, how my face lite up when I am with you, the times I held you, and my faith that this life is just a beginning. I will use the remaining time in my life to become a better fatha, husband, and friend. Its not about the seconds, minutes, days, months, but what you do with them. A life can not be measured by its length. I was 46, a full grown man, when my Dad died. In those years I wish we had more quality times together. That's why I want to spend as much time with you guys as possible. Consider it stories for my grandchildren, "I remember when my Dad got us lost in Pittsburgh at 12:30 in the morning." "Oh yeah how about when took us to those Fenway games in the standing room only section." Now does anyone who has read this blog think I will go gently in to the good night? I will " ..not go gentle into that good night. I will "rage, rage against the dying of the light."( This is plagiarized from a wonderful poem , extra credit points for those of you who can name the poet. No googling allowed of course.) When I meet you after our time here is done it will be with two strong, loving arms. A welcoming hug made of pure love will be yours. Well its going to be a fun week. Zach is coming home for a few days, Jem is dancing on Thursday and Saturday, and Jules is singing on Thursday. What could be better:-) As for this blog I'll try to revisit it now and again. I'll look forward to doing something wonderful and sublime to make you all smile. Hmm perhaps mud wrestling with an alligator. Love you guys higher then the highest mountain, Dad